How to Help Someone Who Won't Stop Their Addiction: Key Strategies for Families and Friends

Do you feel helpless watching a loved one spiral further into addiction, but they refuse to acknowledge it? You’re not alone. Families and friends often struggle with knowing where to draw the line between support and enabling. This guide will give you practical steps to help without causing more harm, whether they’re battling alcohol, drugs, gambling, or other addictions.

Here's the thing though, helping someone that doesn't seem ready to stop drinking, using drugs, gambling, watching porn, or any number of problems, has it's limitations. Though, before we get into the limitations there is an important distinction to become familiar with:

The fine line between Support and Enabling

It's possible that you could be exacerbating the problem. There, I said it... But I get that this isn't a nice thing to hear, though more often than not your best of intentions could be making things worse. 

Why is that?

Well, the line that separates Support from Enabling is often so blurry that even the most well trained professionals might find themselves on the other side! Yep - addiction can be that sneaky! 

What is enabling? Some common examples:

Now, most enabling looks like:

- Excusing the person for their behaviour to you and others

- Hiding the issues from others to avoid upsetting the person or helping them to save face

- Overcompensating in helping the person in an attempt to show just how much they actually are worth

- Going against your own boundaries and values in order to maintain the relationship

Now, on face value each of these above actions are loving and caring acts of support. Right? Yes, that is true though what happens when this goes on for years? And that is what so often happens, then over time resentment and anger grows within the relationship. 

The challenge for a lot of people learning how their support has actually been enabling the person is to avoid swinging too far in the opposite direction and becoming so harsh and distanced that things get even worse!

So, how do you stop enabling someone with addiction? By getting clear on what you are and are not ok with, communicating this boundary clearly, and then most importantly, maintaining that boundary when things inevitably get tough. 

I know. It is sounding a bit "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" right about now... well, here are some things you can keep in mind when supporting a loved one with addiction without enabling. 

Separate the person from the problem 

"What does that mean?" is usually the response I receive when making the suggestions to separate the person from the problem. Though, in my opinion, this is the absolute best thing you can do when supporting someone with their addiction journey. 

So, what is the problem?

Well, that could be:

- The substance use or behaviour specifically,

- The personality changes when intoxicated, 

- The deception and manipulation that is such a common symptom of addiction etc.

Now, even the most jaded loved one can see that those things aren't the person they care about. Those things are behaviours that the person is choosing to do. You have every right to not like those things, maybe you even hate those things.

But the person must be seen as separate from those things, because when you bundle the person into the rest of the mess you loos the opportunity to see how they might actually be trying really hard. Resentment, anger, hurt, and a world of valid emotions you are feeling as a result of the years of hurt you've experienced is the biggest barrier to seeing the gradual shift in a person as they move through the Stages of Change. 

Are they ready?

Here is where having a comprehensive understanding of what addiction is, how it develops, and the pathway to recovery (known as The Stages of Change) can come in so handy! Here is a clip from Module 3 in our Recovery Essentials program - our 12-week program designed to provide clients with a clear recovery framework. 

To give you a brief overview of The Stages of Change

1. Pre-Contemplation - Where you don't believe there is a problem, or you don't believe there is a solution. Both of which result in no changes in behaviour. 

2. Contemplation - Here, you've acknowledged there may be a problem (or a solution to your problem), though you are not ready yet to do anything about it yet. 

3. Preparation - It's become clear to you that there is a problem, and you are exploring the options available to you in principle. 

4. Action - This is where the rubber meets the road and you start gaining traction because you are actively starting to implement the changes needed in order to overcome the issue. 

5. Maintenance - Often the longest Stage of Change, Maintenance is where your life has changed significantly and now time is needed to find the subtle unhelpful patterns in your behaviour that would be missed in short term treatment. 

6. Recovery - Swinging out of the cycle is often unnoticed, though is characterised by there being no further desire or fears surrounding the addictive behaviour any longer as you have completely redefined the nature of your relationship to that thing. 

To give you some context, at The TARA Clinic we accept people into our programs no earlier than the Preparation Stage of Change. That's because people who are earlier in the process will require external motivators to make different choices day to day. The TARA Clinic cannot offer that level of support, so we recommend people consider an inpatient program first.

However, most clients progress from the Preparation to the Action Stage of Change within the Recovery Essentials program and often move into Maintenance early in Empowered Recovery®. Most of the time, our clients reach Recovery around the end of their Empowered Recovery® program.

Legal limitations and forced recovery

This is where things get really tricky. Sometimes family members reach out to me asking if there is a way to do an intervention or involuntarily force their loved one into rehab. 

The answer to this is very simple, yet painful. 

No. 

Sure, there is The Involuntary Drug and Alcohol Treatment Program (IDAT), though the threshold for this is so high that you're unlikely to ever qualify for a space. Then, if you do qualify for a space there are (from memory) 12 beds in all of NSW and a waitlist of over 100 people at any time ahead of you. 

So while there is an option for involuntary treatment, there really isn't. That means that unless the person chooses to voluntarily start some form of treatment, there isn't much more you can do. 

What can you do?

Feeling helpless? I get it... though you actually aren't as helpless as you may think! 

By you choosing to educate yourself on addiction and it's recovery, setting and (most importantly) maintaining clear boundaries, and continuing to point your loved one in the direction of professional help, you truly are helping! 

So often I've heard clients say "It wasn't until they said 'No more' that I realised the truth of the situation". No, we don't want people to have to hit rock bottom. But there may come a time where the most helpful thing you can do in a relationship is to walk away. 

Be that as it may, let's look at some practical tools you can implement and some resources you can utilise:

1. Download our Free Mini-Courses "What Is Addiction" and "What Is Recovery" so that you have a clearer understanding of the situation and what options are available for your loved one. Plus, these mini courses come with loads of practical tools and strategies to support yourself and to share with your loved one. 

2. Offer to go with your loved one to a SMART Recovery Meeting. They are free support groups run by trained SMART Recovery Facilitators and use a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy framework to teach coping strategies to reach a goal in the coming 7 days. 

3. Call the Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS) 24/7 support and information line on 1800 250 015. You will be speaking with highly trained professionals who can answer your questions, provide in the moment counselling or guidance, and also offer you suggestions for referral options in your area! 

You're not alone

I get it, it can feel lonely. Though there is a lot of support around you and sharing your experience with people close to you or professionals can really help! 

Remember, if we are expecting our loved one to make changes then we can lead by example and get some support for ourselves too. Right? You've got this!

FAQs from families

1. How do you help someone who doesn't think they have an addiction?

My first go-to is to encourage someone to honestly track their behaviour. The best way to do this is through a tracking app because it ensures your tracking is accurate and done in the moment. 

The most important thing to do when tracking is to note down the choice of behaviour BEFORE you (for example) pour another drink, order a drink at the bar, or accept another drink from a friend. That way you can make an educated decision in that moment if you truly want another one or if "autopilot" has kicked in. 

Then, after tracking for a week or a month, sit down together and look at the patterns. It is important to remember that unless the person you are sitting with is in the Contemplation Stage or further, they are unlikely to acknowledge there is an issue with the data in front of you. 

A great next step is to suggest you go to a SMART Recovery meeting together or you could call the Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS) together to have a chat with someone in a non-confronting way. 

2. What are the signs of enabling?

Enabling often happens when your actions, though well-intentioned, unintentionally help the person continue their addictive behaviours. Common signs of enabling include:

- Excusing or justifying their behaviour to others and downplaying the severity of their addiction.

- Hiding the problem from friends, family, or colleagues to protect them from judgment or embarrassment.

- Overcompensating by doing things for them they should be doing for themselves, like covering for them at work or paying their bills.

- Compromising your own boundaries to avoid conflict, which can lead to feelings of resentment.

While these behaviours may seem supportive, they often enable the addiction to continue being unchecked.

3. Can you force someone into rehab?

In most cases, no. You cannot force someone into rehab unless they voluntarily choose to seek treatment. While some legal programs, like the Involuntary Drug and Alcohol Treatment Program (IDAT) in Australia, exist, they are incredibly difficult to access. For instance, the IDAT has very strict qualifications and limited availability (e.g., only 12 beds across NSW with long waiting lists). Unless the person meets the extreme criteria for involuntary treatment, the best approach is to encourage them towards seeking help themselves.

4. How can I fund someone's addiction treatment?

Funding for addiction treatment can come from a variety of sources, depending on the type of care you need and your location. Some options to explore include:

- Private Health Insurance: Many policies in Australia cover some or all addiction treatment costs in an inpatient private psychiatric hospital setting.

- Government Programs: Public addiction services may offer free or low-cost treatment, although these often come with long waitlists.

- Personal Savings: If feasible, funding treatment privately can reduce wait times and provide more tailored care options.

- Employer Assistance Programs (EAP): Some companies offer financial support or counselling services through EAPs, which could help cover the costs of treatment. It's also possible to have a family member assist with the costs, but this should be approached with care to avoid enabling behaviour.

While you can technically access your Superannuation for addiction treatment or go into debt for it, I advise against these options. Adding additional financial strain onto an already challenging situation is simply making things harder than they need to be. 

For more information on this topic, you can read our recent article called "How much does addiction treatment cost in Australia? A complete guide to recovery options and prices".

5. When should I walk away from someone with an addiction?

Walking away is never an easy decision, but it might be necessary if:

- Your boundaries are constantly being violated, and your emotional or physical well-being or safety are at risk.

- The addiction continues despite repeated efforts to help, and it’s clear that you are enabling rather than supporting.

- Resentment or anger is building, making it difficult to separate the person from their addiction. Often, setting and maintaining firm boundaries can be a wake-up call for the person struggling with addiction.

Remember, if your emotional health and safety are at risk, walking away may be the most helpful step you can take for both of you.

Book A Call

The TARA Clinic offers free and confidential Discovery Calls to help you and your loved one find the right solution for your needs. 

You can BOOK A CALL at a time that suits you.